Revisions, Remorse, and Restarts :)

Wow, that's a catchy title me thinks!

I sometimes joke about Carlin 2.0. My life is made up of plenty of ideas or attempts at making something or other work.

Or at the very least not be too painful!

Sometimes I get to step outside myself and really look at where I am, from a fresh perspective. Like this weekend. No, can't go into details. But it was a time to really think. Damn. Here I am, all this potential, and no real game.

"Potential" ... hmph! That could be cliche all by itself! No, I won't waste the blog post on cliche. Or Potential either.

It got me thinking though. I just Tweeted a reference to Carlin 2.0 ~ Carlin 4.0 ... tweets are 140 characters. Clarity. Concise. Headlines. Windows into a story.

So, brief history of Carlin. Well, you know better. If I was good at brief, I'd have tweeted more lately! Hmmm over 11,000 tweets... 11,000 x 140 characters... probably a few books in there! anyway...

Carlin 1.0 we'll say was my time in the US Navy. Boot Camp, Training, more Training, Plane Captain, Jet Mechanic, training, Helicopter training, Desert Storm, Training, Auxiliary Security Force, Deadly Force, Marksman Medals, Tattoos, Any Service Member mail, scars, Sand Surf Sun. Officially from 1985 to 1994. San Diego, Memphis, Lemoore, China Lake, San Diego, Guam, Philippines, Japan, Persian Gulf, Diego Garcia, Thailand, Singapore, Australia, Bali, Fujarah, Muscat, Oman, Miramar... married, divorced.

Carlin 2.0 After the Navy. Armed Security Guard. Got Sick. Got Fired. RV Trailer Lot guy... Trailer Lot going out of business. Homeless. Sold CDs and Jeans for gas money. Moved back home. Thanks Dad!

Carlin 3.0 Gets job as a computer tech. Knows really nothing about computers then. But surprisingly knows more about computers than most customers. Learns fast, gets good mentoring. Meets girl. Quits job. Moves. Breaks up with girl, moves back to computer job. For a pay cut. Y2K. Saves the world. Learns new skills. Takes tests. Gets certified MCSE. Gets big freaking pay raise. First time in life actually makes good money. That lasts a few months. Gets Fired. Just before Christmas.

Carlin 4.0 Self Employed / Business Owner. Wedding Video. Wedding Photographer. A few HUNDRED weddings. Gets Wife 2.0 Moves to Seattle. Doubles prices. Doubles number of jobs per year. Invests in new cameras. High Definition. World crashes. Market crashes. Divorce 2.0. Homeless. Carless. Car-less? Thanks Brian for the Attic!

Drifted... a while

Carlin 5.0 Interwebz.ca note the ".ca" that's a domain in Canada, eh? Thanks Mom! Apparently if you put up a sign on main street in small town, people will come. Just not a lot of them! And they expect miracles will be less expensive. And they'll get back to you, you know, when ever. I find myself missing the city. And being invisible.

Closing down the store this week. Then what? Damn, wish I knew.
Jamming to some Metallica - King Nothing ... Then it all crashes down...

Potential.

Its like a check you could cash. You look at it, and think hey, there is something here. But the bank is closed. Or its not open when you want it to be. Or the Universe is nudging you, closing doors, but opening others... potential...

Resilience.

"Resilience" in psychology is the positive capacity of people to cope with stress and adversity. This coping may result in the individual "bouncing back" to a previous state of normal functioning, or using the experience of exposure to adversity to produce a "steeling effect" and function better than expected...


I haven't felt very resilient lately. Sometimes I just don't want to bounce anymore. Inside I'm screaming. Outside... nope, still not bouncing.

Potential.

Sometimes I want to ask for help. But I'm not very good at asking. I come across as needy. Co-dependant. Enabled. Broken. Potential.

I fix things. Why can't I fix me? I need to shut up and reboot.

But then I remember. Everyone has crap. Why should I expect that my life should be easy? Because for so long it was easy. I had the flow. I had a team. I had tools, skills, I belonged. The harder I worked, the luckier I was. I had mojo.

When did I lose my mojo? Mojo is confidence. Not just bravado. But knowing that you know what you know.

When you have mojo, even if you crash, its ok, you dust off, put the fire out, check for broken bones, and get back in there.

So what's the difference. How many times do you get broken down, beat, before you lose your spirit? And how do you rekindle the light when it gets too wet to light?

You find a spark. You sit in the sun until you dry out. Fire is an interesting thing. You can light your fire from another fire, and it doesn't take away from the original fire. In fact, they both burn brighter.

I miss my team. My mission. My mojo.

But for now, I'm just gonna enjoy some sunshine, trim my wick, and be ready.

The days are getting longer, soon the snow will melt. And always, ALWAYS in the spring, life comes back. It has to.

Its the law.

Its going to be a good spring. You'll see.
Thanks for the light :)

Carlin 6.0 is going to be all about the light!

By Carlin Comm posted on 2011-02-21 23:12:26