HOW RETIREES KEEP OCCUPIED

(This was an email I was forwarded. Thought it was funny, enjoy!)

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target.. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Target...

Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management
to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms
on layby.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called..

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12 October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15.. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One
of the clerks passed out.

If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends, your property
taxes will go up, your stocks will go down, and your middle will spread.
(How's that for a curse?!?)
What? It's already come true? Then send it anyway--you've got nothin'
to lose!

By Carlin Comm posted on 2011-06-25 20:19:26